distractions

so I could have worked on my calculus after school, before practice.... but it's pay day
-stephanie and i got our checks and went to cash them, then got dinner
I had some time to kill after we ate.... but I felt the need to spend $40 on make up and crap
-We went to CVS until time for practice
After practice, I had to bring Stephanie back to her car at Zaxby's.... we discovered a physics party
-I sat with the physics kids for about 30 mins and drove home
I could have done homework immediately when I got home.... there was apple crisp in the kitchen
-I ate apple crisp and watched the end of Law and Order: SVU
I could have done homework after that.... but my backpack is falling apart
-dad and I put it together with zip ties (yay for rednecking it up)
then I went to my room, presumably to start my Calc.... but I remembered the new makeup
-I used a little of everything, just to try it out
I should have started after that, but I wanted to check my Psych grade
-I pulled out my laptop and immediately got on Facebook

NOW IT IS ALMOST 10 O'CLOCK AND I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET!

words to live by

"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and having one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult."
-E.B. White

energizer bunny

I just keep going and going and going and going and going....

I know that I asked for this work load. I know that I wanted this schedule. I know that I chose to be involved in these activities.

I didn't know that all the forces in the universe would work against me to keep me from getting anything done.

I didn't know that sleep wouldn't even be an option anymore.

I didn't know that I would have to cut off relationships with friends for a lack of time to see them.

I just want to relax.- nothing on my mind- for a little while.

hmph!

Who decided that 24 hours was enough in a day?
It's time for me to find a time machine and kick some Ancient-we-only-have-to-farm-so-24-hours-seems-like-plenty-of-time-for-us ASS! It's not enough! There is so much to do!

This is my brain right now:
homework.KEYCLUB.calculustest.MEETING.juniorboard.college.SAT.keyclubmeeting. physicsnotes.pyschology.schedule.bandpractice.keyclubmeeting.calculus.college.president.physics. homework.keyclub.early.schedule.study.test.sleep.calculus.physics?juniorboard.keyclub.SAT.band.

Yeah. almost exactly like that. I can't focus, and I can't prioritze.

I can't FUNCTION.

This evening's motto

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it"
-Mary Wilson Little

I AGREE, Mary Wilson Little.
So with that, I say GOODNIGHT WORLD!

I am a misshapen puzzle piece

I don't feel like I'm really fulfilling anything right now.

I'm... just average. I want to feel like I'm excelling in ALL of my classes. I want praise. I want to know that people like to be with me. I want to know that I'm great at my job. I guess maybe I just want recognition.

Because, right now, I just feel like I don't quite fit into any of my many roles this year. I'm participating. I'm keeping up. but i want to go above and beyond.

But I can't. being average has taken all of my time. All of my energy. Being average is holding me back. I do what I can, and I pass out on my bed just to wake up super early the next morning and strive to just do ok again. WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE IT ALL?

Why don't I just have beautiful camera angles in Multimedia? Why don't I fully understand how to find logos? Why can't I remember everything we've covered about limits? Why don't I already know all that I can about vectors? Why haven't I already aced my 1st psych test? Why don't people always laugh at my jokes? why don't i always look pretty? Why am I using so many rhetorical questions??

It must stop. I need to sleep. but i ALWAYS need to sleep. I really need to read about vectors. maybe i'll do that.
but... as i type, i have to actuallly think about holding my eyes open.
That's not a good sign.

the art of timing

Timing. Or even just Time. Let's start with that.



It doesn't really exist does it? I mean, man just came up with time to measure days and then that was gradually broken down... and expanded. All due to that disk's trip from horizon to horizon.



So how is it possible that the logisitics of something that doesn't even exist have left me alone and pretty much screwed for all future realtionships?

TIMING.



And it all begins..... freshman year. Let's take a trip.

Freshman year. Band camp. I was scared, I was unattractive, I was under a lot of pressure, and I was in love.

Or, you know, so I thought.

I thought he was the cutest thing to walk this Earth. And smart and funny, and dedicated, and cute!

My crush peaked in Chicago, and slowly faded again into a being that lived in my brain and occassionally pushed all of my other thoughts out of my ears.

Sophomore year. I was clueless, but I thought I knew what I was capable of. The crush-creature hibernates.

LAST YEAR. After a series of events, the crush-monster in my brain re-awakens.

I remind myself of how cute, and smart, and blahblahblah he is. His... unconventional sense of humor makes him that much more desirable to me.

So far, it seems to be an issue of unrequited love (for lack of a better word) rather than timing, don't you think?

Ohhh no. We spend some time together. We go out to eat. We are inseparable in DC. We can actually be referred to as 'we'... but I still am absolutely in the dark about what HE thinks about ME, which really is a critical point.

Summer. We hang out a few times. He hides his feeling frustratingly well.

I give up on the (Lovegames. play a lovegame. do you want love? or you want fame?) confusion.

NOW. Is it just me, or is he interested now?



NOW that I've moved on.

NOW that I've killed the crush-monster.

NOW he flirts.

NOW he asks my plans for the weekend.









NOW I hate timing.

GO WATCH THIS!

Krieg, it should be in The Book of General Ignorance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFyY2mK8pxk

thanks mom

I get to see you about once a week.

I wasn't expecting to get to spend any time with you today, but SURPRISE I was called off work for my morning shift today. During my new-found spare time, you've been home for about 15 minutes so far. and now you're on the phone gossiping about your co-workers.

Thanks a lot.

:/

...

I really don't have anything in mind to talk about.
Really.
I feel like I need to write though.

I guess I could be doing this with my essay revision, but.... um no.

I really am just ready to get into the meat of my classes.
We had our first taste of the actual calculus curriculum today: Limits. LOVE IT! Limits are eeeasssyy. What else you got calculus?
And in Physics we're still going over basics so he can 'see where we are'.
Economics, we've done some vocab. and that's all.
Psychology: we won't be done with our 'foundations' unit until like, the first week of September.
English: well I guess we started out in the middle of everything with English, but I still feel like there's so much "this is what this class will be like" stuff. I just want to get there!!
Band is band. practice today was awful. I cried.
Multimedia: I THINK we are going to start working with the equipment tomorrow. I'd like to break into our groups, talk about ideas for videos. make a story board. something!

I feel.... restless, I guess that's the word for it. I want to get into everything! To learn new things. (In Psych, I've had to learn the definitions for independent and dependent variables, mean, median, and mode for the 5th or 6th time)

I guess. I'm just entirely unsatisfied with the state of my life right now.

It's raining and I'm sick

Today was not great. I literally never stop on A days. It's academic all day:
- calculus
- physics
- economics
- phsychology

And I somehow got a cold... in august. And I was supposed to go with my mom to buy a cute Vera Bradley bag for my laptop, but the place was closed. And I invited Stephanie to come too, but she already has plans with her stupid ass stalker :P.

So, of course, today just sucks. I'm sitting at home right now. waiting until I can leave for practice (in the rain), continually wiping my nose, sucking on a coughdrop, watching Made (which I don't even really like!)

I just want to go to sleep. But if I do, I'll wake up and have Calculus first thing in the morning.
So, I could say: I just want the weekend. But the weekend means double shifts at Zaxby's.
I KNOW there's a lot on my plate. I guess I just have to get used to this grueling schedule, and it's going to take me a while.
oh snap! do i have an essay revision due tomorrow too?!

Ugh. a day in the life.

I should do yoga

WARNING!!! Krieger, you should not read the following blog. DO NOT! This is not a drill.

Anyway, I should do yoga because I really feel like I wish I could center myself and focus. and isn't yoga supposed to help with that? I think so... but maybe not. If not, it would just give me a kickass yoga body, and that's cool too.

Why do I feel the need to focus? Well tomorrow is the first day of school and I have 3 paragraphs due tomorrow.
(Krieger, if you have ignored my warning and read this far, it's time to stop)

I haven't written anything yet. It's 1:30 in the afternoon, the day before the first day of senior year, and I haven't written the 1st sentence.
I just did some very fast time calculations, and I have time to do it, but I don't feel like I can focus.
I know this blog seems counterproductive. Like why am I doing this instead of breaking out my novels and notebook paper? because I want to get in a writing state of mind.
I opened my Pandora account and turned on the station that I call "Focus radio" it's classical, so it's not distracting, but it also blocks out the noise of my family in the house. I guess I'll turn off my cell phone, or hide it in another room, lock myself in here, log out of Facebook, and turn into a hermetic author until I have to leave for band practice. In an hour.
So here I go.

(Krieger, you better not have read this, missy)

Quote that Caught My Eye!

"What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?"
-Jeph Jacques

hahaha. That's really good. Like possible senior quote good.

that's all

busy busy busy

I have had literally NO free time this past week, and it's not looking good for the future.
(the near future. like the coming school year).

Band camp this past week and the freshmen drove me NUTS! We have 3 in the flute section, and they're nice enough, but they're IDK FRESHMEN!!
I managed to stay extremely nice and patient though the whole week, but by the last day I snapped at a girl once. (pretty good for me actually, considering I've been wanting to rip my hair out since day 2)
She kept talking to the tubas, and doing weird (trying to be) flirty crap (with TUBAS?) which was annoying enough in itself, but when she did it while I was trying to give her instruction it realllly got under my skin. I was in the middle of telling her something (i dont remember exactly what. it's not the point), and she said something to Jesse and I go "Kaila! Please don't flirt with the tubas when I'm trying to tell you something!" and she goes "Eww" like she is so disgusted by them. Whatever. If you were disgusted by them, you wouldn't be talking to them every chance you get.

So the next few days:
tomorrow: double shift at work
monday: English with Stephanie, then practice from 3:30-5:30
tuesday: pictures at 4, practice from 6-8
wednesday: SHOPPING
thursday: practice from 3:30-5:30 againg
friday: first day of school

AHHH shit. I hate being so busy. I can't WAIT until the end of football season.

Assurance

I'm still here. Don't be alarmed!

I haven't written anything in a very long time, and I apologize. I just got out of the habit of typing up a new blog every night while I was out of town, and I never really got back INTO the habit, which was critical.

But maybe now that my parents bought me A NEW LAPTOP (!!!!) I will be able to keep up with it more. YAY!

It's my first laptop.
It's amazing.
I love it. :D

Of course, I don't get, like, ANYTHING for my 18th birthday. This is my present, I just got it a couple months early, pretty much.

I was at work the day after I got it, and I was all excited, so I told a few of my co-workers, but immediately felt uncomfortable about it. I don't want to seem like a spoiled rich girl (because, trust me, I'm FAR from it), but I realized that it may seem like that to some of my esteemed chicken colleagues.
A lot of them are adults, and working in a fastfood restaurant trying to scrape by and pay their bills (I hear them talking about it quite a bit, and I don't think it will ever cease to upset me when I hear adults worry about money). So when I say "My parents bought me a laptop"... I just don't want anyone to get the wrong impression about what my life is really like.

I don't know what made me think of that.

ANYWAY! On a happier note, I might go to the RODEO on friday night. How fun would that be!? It's one of those things I love about a small town. Random rodeo? Sounds great! let's go. I told Stephanie that she was coming with me, but she didn't seem excited enough, and I was reallly disappointed. I don't know... I'm excited because I used to go wheen I was more heavily involved in the horse world and it's kind of spontaneous (i just saw one of those random signs that are everywhere and texted steph to tell her we're going) and it's something different.
It's not just another trip to Fieldstone to watch a movie. It's not another slumber party where we play Just Dance until the den is a good 30 degrees hotter than the rest of my house.

But whatever. If she decides not to go, Grayson might. And if he can't go... then I guess I'm just SOL.

OMG! I just realized that it's 3 in the morning. My alarm is set for, like, 10 because I actually wanted to get stuff done tomorrow. Haha, looks like that's not gonna happen.

GOODNIGHT!!

Breakdown of my Summer

Well summer is officially over, so I guess it's time to put this carefree feeling behind me and focus on ... schoolwork.

Here's how my summer went. In list form. Which instantly means logic. I learned that today.

number of fireflies caught: 1



number of days on the beach: 2



number of sunburns: 2



number of slumber parties: 7



number of times skinny-dipped: 1





number of hours inside zaxbys: COUNTLESS





number of parties attended: 4





number of pounds lost: 13





number of pounds gained back: 9



number of babies born: 2



number of shopping trips: 2

number of smiles: a million :P

Asheville: Day 2

So on today's agenda for the Freakout was the Tail of the Dragon run.

I'm sure you are familiar with the Tail of the Dragon: it is near Robbinsville, NC. It has 316 curves in an 11 mile stretch.

It's strange, because my dad was the lead car. (I guess because he 'knows the area'). We had to drive for over an hour just to get to the Tail of the Dragon, which is actually closer to home than the convention. We were about 40 minutes from home. I kept seeing signs for Murphy (46 miles, 41 miles, 38 miles...) and I realllly wanted to go home. I actually got homesick.... and then on the Dragon, I got carsick.

The whole ride (the way there, the actual run, one breakdown, lunch, and the ride back) took almost 6 hours.

I got some very interesting tanlines (although they're actually not tan... it's burn), one from seatbelt. I have a very cool diagonal line across my chest. I really hope these awkward lines go away before florida.

they aren't in normal place, they are very obvious in my bathing suit, and they aren't consistent... as in, they don't match from one side of my body to the other. It's REALLY messing with me that it's not at least symmetrical.

Joe, I am NOT going to flirt with the fuddy duddies. Andd there is literally NOBODY that i've seen that's my age.

ANYWAY, we went into downtown Asheville for dinner. Asheville is a really cool city. I'd like to come back without my parents and actually get to check it out.

i have no idea what the plan is for tomorrow. maybe lay by the pool all day and try to get burned all over, so at least it's even. i would make geoff take me to the tennis court, but he was drafted to hand out cards or something for the poker run. :/

tomorrow night is the luau. 5 of the guys who helped put this event together are forced to wear coconut bras and grass skirts. my dad is one of them. i'm so proud.

that's all for now.

Asheville: Day 1

not muchh to do today.

We got to the hotel in asheville and there isn't really anybody here yet. (if you don't know, I am at a Fiat convention thing with my family. there shoud be just about 100 cars here tomorrow).

So, my mom and I went to the Asheville mall. Really lame. really. No Sephora. No Delias. No forever 21. No Charlotte Russe. They did have an Old Navy, where I got some shorts and a new purse. and they had a Barnes and Noble, which I had to completely skip over because Geoff wanted us to get back to the hotel.

I got a new bathing suit from Dillards. It's adorable.

But yeah, so far this trip has been a whole lot of nothing. but it's only the first day. all of the car events start tomorrow: the official beginning of FIAT FREAKOUT.
I have yet to freak out. I have yet to see anybody my age.

I have yet to eat a decent meal. Blech. I guess things can only get better, right? hahaha

nighttime.

I'm the only one awake in my house right now. we are leaving for Asheville in about 5 and a half hours.

My mind is literally like a complete blank right now. I don't think that has ever happened.

It's sad though, because I might be completely incommunicado for up to the next 10 days. I don't know how much time I'll have to keep the world updated on my vacay... and of course, by 'the world', I mean Joe and Krieg... maybe Bri? haha

Well, tomorrow begins FIAT FREAKOUT. I don't think I'm totally prepared for 5 days of small talk with old, Italian car-owning fuddy-duddies.
I doubt there will be anyone around my age. Oh well.

I guess I should get some sleep.

Panic! in the Zaxby's

I seriously had a mini panic attack/stress thing at work today.
I cried for over an hour.

I just kept thinking about how much time I was going to spend there in the next few days, and that I wouldn't have time to pack before freakout. And my mom texted me and asked if I could get off before 7 to go to a movie with her and Geoff. No, I couldn't.
And SB was supposed to come see me on my break, but then she couldn't.
I was soo stressed out and tired... I was so close to just walking out the door and saying to hell with it.
My break was just me bawling in the dining room (and the bathroom when it got really bad) and texting my mom and some other people who always make me feel better.

Well, I don't want to think about that anymore. I just want to push it from my mind.


In other news, I finished reading The Things They Carried. Now I actually have to write. Damn.
I wish I could just opt out of the essays and read another book. Whaddya say, Krieg? You can even pick a reallly big, difficult book. I won't complain :P

I'm leaving for Asheville the day after tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my last day at work before my vacation. Thank God.

Sorry...

I've been a blogging slacker.

Just... a lot of work, and really no time (or energy) to update... and it's kind of the same thing now but I feel bad about not keeping up my end of the deal, so here's a mini blog.

I went to SB's 4th party today. As far as a 4th party, it was VERY fun... as far as anything else, it was kind of a disappointment. You see, I keep building up all these expectations in my head, and then when it doesn't happen, I get all sad. It's totally lame.

But, alas, I will perservere. (persevere? perservere? purse-severe? preservatives? idk)

Wellll, I have 2 more days until vacay. 2 more days of double shifts. 2 more days of closing (probably alone). 2 more days of coming home smelling of chicken and dirty dishwater. 2 more days until I'm freeee.

trapped.

i started a post yesterday about how I was "in a funk" but I never got a chance to finish it.

that's ok, because today the funk is gone... but yesterday was still supremely awful

First there was the whole "I feel ugly today" thing. I just had one of those days where I didn't feel cute.
Then my dad came home and I helped him replace Geoff's ridiculously worn out brake pads. when were done, we took a ride in Fiona.
I got home and took a shower (I had been in the garage) but I got a text from Jacob: it was 7:20 and he was still in gainesville. :(
Well, I continued getting ready (my hair looked really good after that... too bad only my dad and Geoff got to see it)
And after I was totally ready, Jacob called. He was still in Gainesville, and didn't think we'd get to hang out. :(
Well of course that bummed me out, so I wanted to invite one of my friends over to get my mind off of it, but my dad said no.
WELL, I told Jacob that I got off work at 8 on Sunday, so maybe I would see him at the fireworks. This would be the absolute last chance to see each other before we both go on vacation. We are both leaving on Wednesday, and I'll be gone for 10 days, but he'll be gone for 2 and a half weeks. DAMN!
Come to find out a little later, that the fireworks show is on the 3rd this year (really? no fireworks because it's Sunday? that's just ridiculous. It's not like fireworks include a clusterfuck.)
Well, I asked for the 4th off. I'm working until CLOSE on the 3rd. Which means not only do I miss the fireworks for the 3rd year in a row because of fucking zaxbys, but I don't get to see Jacob before we leave.

I just absolutely burst into tears when I found out. I felt SO stupid. I asked for the 4th off without even checking which night the fireworks are. I feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole and I can't get out no matter what I try. (Zaxby's is the black hole, FYI)

And I know that the thing about Jacob doesn't sound like a really big deal... and I guess it's not.
It's just that this summer everything was supposed to kind of come together.
And it's not working.
And I feel stuck with that too.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I guess all I can do is keep working and hope I don't work myself to death before vacation.
(I'm working approx 29 hours in the next 3 days.)

I watched Eclipse last night

do not judge me. :P

So... the movie was pretty much exactly what I expected. I'll repeat here what I said last night during our post-movie DQ run: The Twilight movies are getting better, but there are still SO MANY other movies I would rather watch.

but, of course, the night was still ridiculously fun. I made tons of innappropriate jokes throughout the movie, and I'm sure all the 8 year old girls around us didn't appreciate it. Hahaha!
"Mr.X" didn't end up going with us, so it was me, Stephanie, SB, Emma, and Kayla.

After the movie, we went to DQ, like we always do. I rode with Steph and SB and Kayla rode with Emma. We blasted music with the top down and it was that whole, life can't get much better right now moments. I LOVE my friends so much. Maybe it's just because I've been having withdrawls from them, but I can't believe how I automatically just have SO MUCH FUN when I'm with them. If I didn't have such amazing friends, I wouldn't mind having to work so much this summer, but I feel like I'm missing out on so much.

SB is going camping on top of Bell Mountain on Monday, but I'm working and can't go.
Jacob is getting a group to go see The Last Airbender on Friday, but I'm working... not that I really want to see that movie very much, but I still want to go and spend time with my friends :(
I don't need these hours at work... it's just my job, you know? I'm 17. Zaxby's should be secondary to the rest of my life. I hate that I've let it take over everything, but Patricia needs me. and as my mom says, I don't know how to say no.
I know that so few people can handle the drive thru and that they need an experienced cashier there (we've had a lot of turnover recently, and therefore a lot of INexperienced cashiers), so I keep making excuses, and hoping that on the next schedule I'll have more time off.

So here's the deal right now:
I had yesterday off, and I have today off.
I'm working 4-close tomorrow, and then double shifts every day until I leave: I'll be out of town for 10 days.
So basically, today is the last day I have to spend with anybody before a 15-day stretch where I will see NO friends.

I'm supposed to hang out with Jacob tonight... around 7 I think? I don't know what we're going to do yet... I told him I was up for anything, and that worries me. He's so insanely in shape, and I'm sooo not. I don't need to embarrass myself by trying to do something athletic. haha.

and what about everyone else? Joe? Grace? Jeff? Ashley? all those people that I haven't seen in soo long.
I wonder if they miss me too...

Oh! and I'm probably going to miss the fireworks on the 4th... for the 3rd consecutive year. because of work.

I hope I can live up to this

Next year is already scaring the shit out of me.

Other than the usual pressure (grades, parents, work, high school in general) there will be colleges and a ridiculous schedule and being a good 'leader' in band and now this:
Juggling possibly the most complicated friendship I've ever had and all of my other friendships.

So, there is a huge history with him. For the sake of this blog (and because I feel weird writing about people on a public forum) we'll call him Mr. X.

A Brief Overview
Freshman year: we had Civics together and I couldn't stand him
Sophomore year: we had Phy. Science together, and I thought he was really funny and developed a crush (ugh, of course I did, right?)
Junior year: we started texting a lot, and then talking on the phone A LOT, and I really thought it was going somewhere, but I found out that he was REALLY interested in this other girl, although we had been talking for 4 months. so, yeah, I ended up really hurt, but somehow... we ended up staying friends.
This summer: We still talk pretty often. Mr. X is really worried about having close friends next year, as all of his (except me) have graduated and are going off to college.
Right now:I invited him to go to the movies with me and my friends tonight, hoping that he would be able to easily integrate into the group, and maybe he wouldn't worry so much about next year.

Wellll, when I told the other girls going to the movie (oh, we're going to see Eclips :P), SB seemed ok with it, Steph was... cautious but didn't want to "preach", and Emma seemed downright upset about it. She and Steph don't want me to get hurt like i did when we were talking. but that's not going to happen.
NOWWW Mr. X is concerned that my friends don't like him (which I don't think is the case. they're just looking out for me), and his whole "I wont have any friends next year" thing came up again today.
I told him not to worry, that he would have me
he said that my friends don't like him so we won't see each other that much
I said that I care too much about him for that to happen. (Which is totally true. I would be SO SAD if I never got to talk to him anymore)

But now I'm afraid that I won't be able to live up to that promise I made. I'll still have school, and my job, and band, and being Key Club President, and working with Beta, and worrying about college, and my ridiculous parents, and all of my other friends.

What if I can't be there for him next year??
Should I have not said what I said??

Mirror Mirror, on the walll....

... who is the most exhausted of them all?

Clearly, it's me.

I had a very. long. day.
11:30-2, I worked
2-4, I went with Stephanie to get her hair cut
4-6:30, I worked
6:30-7:30, my boss let me take an extended break because she had to keep me until close rather than 9, when I was schedule to leave. I went to BK during this time to chill with Geoff and Leland
7:30-11:30, work! that's right. We closed at 9:30 tonight, and it took 2 HOURS to finish everything. Of course, I was training Kami, so essentially it was me closing alone, because we could only work at the rate of one worker, as I was with her, showing her waht to do. IDK if that makes sense or not.
Actually, it was SLOWER than if it was just me, because I had to show her how to do everything, and she did a lot of the actual work, with me supervising (i guess), and she isn't fast yet, because she's new.

I just can't believe how long it took. it was ridiculous.
anyway, this is the most exhausted blog I've ever written. I feel so sluggish. and dirty. I'm too tired to take a shower tonight.

tomorrow i have the day off.
THANK GOD!

Title's cause wayy too much pressure.
I can NEVER think of a title., so I always end up just putting something random that happened or is on my mind.

So...
I'm actually just excited to be more than 48% awake while writing for once: I didn't have to close tonight.
Of course, that doesn't mean there is anything to write about. I was still in Zaxby's from 11:30am-10:00pm. I had a break from 2 to 4, during which I sat in the dining room and talked to Nathaniel. That was a random conversation... it was only a little bit awkward. haha

Anyway, I only have one more double shift until my day off. I'M SO EXCITED! I just want to have a day that I can look cute. Is that too much to ask for? At work I have to wear my uniform, and I have to have my hair up, and I get covered in chicken grease and milkshake syrup and dirty dishwater.
I want to stay clean for longer than the 30 minutes it takes to get to town. I want to wear sandals. I want to USE my amazing curly hair stuff. I want to smell like Clinique Happy, and I want to wear my own clothes.
And THAT is why I can't wait for my day off. A few of us are supposed to go see Eclipse on Wednesday night, and maybe (???) spend the night at Sara Beth's.
Then I have all of Thursday off, and then my weekend stretch of work.
Patricia scheduled me to work on the night of the 4th of July, even though I asked for it off.
I have not seen any fireworks since I started there. this will be my 3rd year in a row of missing out on going to Meeks with everyone because of Zaxby's.
IDK what to do. It's ridiculous to try to argue with her about it.

Well it's time to change the subject, because that is just making me sad.
Or maybe it's time to just stop, because I don't know what else to talk about.

Geoffrey cried watching Toy Story 3. that's all

I got whipped cream on my leg today

It looked like spooj.

ANYWAY.
I worked from open till close today.
(9 am till about 11:30, with a 2 hour break).

That was ridiculous.

I'm compltely wiped out, even though I did have a really good day. I worked with Stephanie ALL DAY, and she always keeps me in a good mood. I'm almost never bubbly and hyper at work if she's not there, and she pretty much said that same thing about me.

Anyway, there's not really anything at all for me to say.
Tomorrow and the next day I'm working 11:30-3 and 4-9, then i have wednesday and thursday off.

ps. this is my hundredth post since I started freshman year.

I wish it was more special

My left eye is bloodshot

I need to stop writing my entries right before bed, because I never feel like writing anything.
Well, tonight I'm totally awake, but I NEEED to get some sleep because I have to be at work at 9 in the morning. And I'm working until closing... by myself.

It's going to be a very long day.
9am-tentatively 11:20, with a 2 hour break fro 2 till 4.
but that's still over 1o hours (which is also like 70 bucks).

OMG I can't wait until Wednesday. It's my next day off.

well today I did a double with Stephanie, which is great! And we went and got lunch together during our break.
I love getting to work with my best friend. :) :)

And then Geoff and I went to the late showing of Toy Story 3. It was verrry cute.
We both cried. (mmhmmm. my brother cried. hahaha.)

And now I'm home. I soo hope I can fall asleep quickly tonight.
Tomorrow would be absolutely DREADFUL if I can't get some sleepy-bye.

I wish there was more to say. This blog has become more of an account of my days at work then of my life or a place to write how i feel or any of that BS.

I'm always in a hurry or exhausted when i write, and I apologize.

OH! I'm taking 10 days off work in the middle of July, which I'm pretty pumped about.
the 1st 5 days I'm going to Asheville with my parents and Geoff for Fiat Freakout, and the next 5 days, I'm flying to Florida BY MYSELF (!!! AGH never done that before) to stay with my aunt.

And my cousin is in a band that is supposed to be REALLY good. theyve been called "the raddest band in Florida" by a music video director. I haven't gotten a chance to listen to them yet, but I'm sure it's some form of punk, and I'm sure it's gonna be fun music. anyway the point of that is, that he said I could go to one of their shows while I'm down there (but that was before the dates were set, so I'm not sure if they have one scheduled for while I'm there). but yea, that would be SOOO COOL.
I'd feel very hip. which I am not, usually :P

OMG! Kaitlyn had her baby yesterday. She's a few months premature, so she's being taken to Gainesville (it's cool having the inside track at the hospital: my mo is a nurse).
I got the text fro Kaitlyn ("She's here. 4 pounds 13 ounces") while sitting in my car at relay for life hoping for the rain to stop.
I asked about Amber's (the baby's) health, because I knew she wasn't due until August and then, you know, told Kaitlyn some canned "new baby" stuff (I can't wait to meet her... etc).
I have TOTALLY mixed feelings about it though.
Kaitlyn was my absolute BEST friend in 4th grade. In fact, I can't really remember WHEN we grew apart, we did.
I don't even know if I can express how close we were. I guess it's like most BFFs... I mean, she was at my house when she had her first period...
Now she has a baby... I guess, if she's happy, I'm happy for her, and I'm sure the baby is adorable and will be happy... but I guess I never expected Kaitlyn to get pregnant at 16.
I expected more from her; she's smart.

I'm worried for her future... although I'm EXREMELY proud of her for deciding to stay in school. but what about college? How would that work? I don't want Kaitlyn to be a waitress at the Cookie Jar forever, and she could have had more... is she going to stay there? She needs a steady paycheck coming in now.

I guess I'm disappointed in her.
that sounds soo harsh. I mean, who am I to be disappointed? We haven't been close friends for YEARS.
but... what happens now I guess is what worries me.


(wow. who knew I'd be going THERE with this blog entry?)

this is a waste of time

I am exhausted

I refused to go to sleep to write something on this damn blog, so that I can keep this stupid promise to myself.

But I'm so tired that I don't even want to write about what I did today or anything at all.

sooo.... this is it. sorry to disappoint, but I'm not writing anything more than this right here

GOODNIGHT!

ahhh shit

I didn't write a blog yesterday.

So much for keeping up :(

I COMPLETELY forgot about it until I was almost asleep, at like 2 in the morning and no way in HELL was I gonna get up just so I could not look flakey to the NOBODY that reads this.
(wow, there are lots of randomly capitalized words in there)

So yesterday... what did I do?
Um... crap what DID I do??
OH YEAH!
I had my follow-up appointment with my oral surgeon. It was the fastest appointment ever. He pretty much asked if I had any questions and gave me my squirty syringe thing to clean the food out of the holes in my mouth where I used to have teeth. Isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever heard??
Then I had to work: 4 to close. and I got to train Kami, who just started. Isn't it awesome that when I started my blog, I wrote about my FIRST day (ahh The Zaxby's Chronicles) there, and now I'm training other new people :). That makes me feel very accomplished.

Anyway, I closed by myself again, and it took loner than usual because I didn't get my pre-close done until, like 9:30 (because Kami is new, and I had to do everything myself... oh, that sounds bad. I'm not really complaining about her not doing stuff. She's brand-new, that's just how it goes). So I hadn't even STARTED mopping the dining room yet, and the guys in the back were DONE. and I still had to wrap cookies, wipe all the counters, and stock.
Curtis, one of the guys in the back, stayed late to help me mop the dining room :)
That was really nice of him.

yeah! so then I came home, and talked to Geoff for a little bit while he played Xbox, replied to an e-mail from Rita Gunter about junior board (I have to get off work tomorrow to do the Relay for Life, and it's going to be absolute hell trying to get someone who can cover my shift), and then I read more of The Things They Carried (i'm in chapter 3 now, and it's going really fast), and went to sleep.

I continue to have strange dreams... I thought it was from the Percocet, but I haven't taken any in almost a week. Could it be the penicillin? I'm still taking that to avoid an infection...
last night, there was a lot of ice skating in my dream (which I've never done before) and Richard Tyler and Jesse Gibson were there (?????). then my dream changed and I was like a spy or something. Geoff was killed, and everyone accused me of murdering him. :( I didn't, BTW.

So I guess that's everything.
I have to go into town to try to get off from work tomorrow. I'm REALLY not looking forward to it. Friday nights are usually a busy night, and they need someone experienced to work the drive thru (there are only, like, 3 people that can run drive thru by themselves). Also, I'm scheduled to close... which means that whoever I ask to cover should be able to close.
so that means.... I might not be able to get off work.
I would hate to miss the 1st Junior Board thing we have :(

this G is messed up.

so if there is a word that appears to be missing a G, or if there are 2 when there should be 1, I apologize.

I dont know. Deciding to write a blog entry every day may not have been wise. There's not enough happening in my life. It's summer!
I think my stitches are starting to come out, and it's yucky.

Ok, so yesterday I wrote a blog pretty much just because I was bored and didn't have anything else to do.

I finished reading Freakonomics, and I'm not looking to The Things They Carried at all. I hate war movies, so I'm thinking that I won't like war books either...
Ok! so at like 5 yesterday Jacob called me and we decided to go bowling rather than just getting milkshakes, which was the original plan.

So yeah, we went bowling and I was really bad at it, not that he's particularly good at it. but he definitely won. apparently i can't control my wrist and it just contorts and I end up with a gutterball.
but, like I told Jacob, I'm ok with not being good at bowling. It's like not being good at tennis.
OH!! I bought a tennis racket the other day. I can't remember if I mentioned that yet or not. but yeah, on Sunday, I bought a cheap racket from Walmart so I can play with Stephanie.
I'm gonna see if Leland wants to help me get better...

What else...?
Um, I told Karen that I would work for her tonight. I don't know why I did that. I DON'T WANT TO WORK. Not even a little bit. Ugh. I should have said no. I should have said HELL TO THE NAW. I'm a pushover.

So, 4-close tonight, I'll be at Zaxbys. woo-f**king-hoo. :(

I'll be waiting...

and waiting
and waiting
and waiting
and waiting...

This SUCKS!

Welll, frankly, I haven't been waiting really that long, but I'm starting to get cranky and impatient.

I'm supposed to hang out with Jacob today, but hmmmm... somebody isn't replying to text messages.
:/
I would just go into town anyway, but I don't want to get there and then find out that he CAN'T make it, then I just get to drive home all disappointed.



*********UPDATE**********
We went bowling, which I'm really bad at.

too lazy to think of a title

Well! after my last blog post, I got increasingly more depressed about sitting around by myself, and I ended up forcing Stephanie to spend the night at my house.

So she came over after work and we played Just Dance for wii (which is the funnest game ever created. really.) and we watched the Little Rascals. ADORABLE!

Then this morning we got up for workand drove into town, and GUESS WHAT! they changed the schedule and I wasn't working this morning. Awesome. I'm glad I found that out before I drove the 30 minutes into town.... OH WAIT! I DIDN'T. :( stupid.

Whatever. I took the opportunity to buy my dad's Father's Day card (ahem... on Father's Day) and came home. I watched the very end of a random world cup game, embarrassed myself by sending a text to Jacob that was supposed to go to Leland, and then Stephanie texts me.
She wants to play tennis before we both have to be back at Zaxby's at 4. coool.

So we went to Wal-mart, bought a cheap (pretty sure it's made for small children too) tennis racket and then met Carley at Meeks.

after tennis, we went to work, where we closed. then I came home.
THAT'S MY DAY IN A NUTSHELL.
Nothing eventful happened at all, and I wouldn't have written a blog at all, except I mentioned something about writing an entry every day once, and i don't want to give up THAT quickly. it's been like 3 days.

JOE! it totally freaked me out when I had a comment from you. It's really random that you were on my blog. but I was excited to hear from you anyway. You've been totally MIA this summer :(
I MISS MY SHMO JOE!

OMG! my brother was joking about druk best-man speeches (i don't remember why...) and he was practicing his drunk brother speech for my future wedding (... because that's how my family works. he was pretending to be drunk while I ironed his polo shirts for him. He's so wannabe frat it's ridiculous), oh but that's not the point. he was like "My baby sissster... ( you have to imagine slurring words and him wobling around)... who'd'a ever thought?... JOE MURPHY! i mean.... uh... JOE murphy... i mean, we made fun of this guy soo much 'n da soccer team... who'd thought? JOEMURPHY and my little sister"

Pretty much exactly like that with lots of staggering. haha. I miss you. It reminded me of freshman year when everyone was ALWAYS saying we were going to end up married.
But you know. You're like my little brother. Love you to death, but it's just sick and twisted for someone to suggest that :)

so... I guess that's it.
Goodnight!

terrorrrr

So it's time for today's post, i guess...

basically because there is nothing else in the world. this computer is all i have. haha

I had one of the scariest dreams ever last night. I mean i don't have a lot of nightmares, but the one last night really f**ked with me.

let's just say, first of all, that i've been having weirdo zombie dreams recently... like 3 in the last week. maybe because I've been on medication. Maybe percocet makes me have scary dreams

So last night, i had a zombie dream that I can't really remember the beginning of, but it ended with a grocery store... falling to the ground with a false sense of calm.
I had to kill m entire family in that dream... they were all zombies... even the dogs. I had to slit my dog coco's throat. I can't remember waking up feeling more distraught.

Geoff bit me. He was a zombie, and he was chasing me. when i was distracted by a zombie dog that may or may not have been my other dog, sadie, he bit my shoulder :(

I seriously was on the verge of tears when I woke up. and i was scared. home alone (my parents went to ashville and geoff is at the beach) and i was paralyzed by fear. every little sound in my house made m heart pound.

so of course, being the 21st century girl that i am, i grabbed my cell phone. I texted grayson, because he's always reliable and i told him about my dream and that i was terrified... (I KNOW IT WAS JUST A DREAM, INTERNET COMMUNITY! DON'T JUDGE ME)
Annyway, he pretty much laughed at me, told me to get out of bed, take a shower, and relax. awesome. i told him that if i was in the shower, i wouldnt be able to hear the zombies come to get me and if I was eaten, it was all his fault.

My own shadow literally scared me too. i was walking back into my room (after checking to make sure that the dogs were alive and not evil), and the light from the hall was casting my shadow onto my closet door, which was open and reflected on my mirror. the angle of my closet door and mirror pretty much just made it look like there were TWO shadows right there (someone standing behind me!) and i actualllly screamed and spun around super fast.

then i laughed at myself and took a shower...

so now here i am.
no longer scared, but still just sitting at my house. as i said, by parents and brother aren't home.

I figured that there is no hope in even trying to make plans with my friends today. everybody is working, or gone, or otherwise occupied. soo I'm just going to have to be content with this blog, facebook, and re-runs of Mythbusters and ANTM.

I can't express my excitement right now :P

day 2 of Re-blogging!

I left my house today. :)
I still miss my friends, but at least i got a small friendship fix since having my teeth removed.

Kayla and I went to dinner at Zaxby's where I also saw Stephanie. And Jeffkidd was SUPPOSED to hang out with us too, but he bailed because he is super-lame.

I really wanted to DO something tonight. I said I wanted to get into trouble, but that wasn't a necessity. I wanted to feel like a dumb teenager. I guess just because I haven't been out in, like, almost a week.

A short time ago, a group of my friends and I went skinny-dipping in the lake late at night, something we've always wanted to do, but something I never thought we'd actually go through with.
It was SO FUN. it felt so (cliche) freeing and stuff because we were doing something thatw isn't exactly safe or approved by our parents. We were doing something 'wrong', which, frankly, I never do. I'm such a goody goody. but yeah, after we got out of the water, we were driving over the dam and Freebird came on, and we had all the windows down and the music blaring and I loved the sense of idiotic abandon.

Anywayy, that's relevant because I guess I wanted to feel like that again today. but it didn't happen. I enjoyed spending time with kayla anyway. How could you NOT enjoy spending time with Kayla? we just ate dinner and drove for a while, went to Walmart... nothing big.

I BOUGHT THE LITTLE RASCALS. Because it's one of those movies I loved as a kid, and it was in the 5 dollar bin.
Well, of course I want to watch it, but Geoffie is at the beach, dodging oil slicks.
My dad doesn't like movies (????), my mom isn't home... I hate watching movies alone.
So I asked Leland what HE'S up to, but he's working and going to Atlanta tomorrow so I can't watch it with him (he's like a stand-in big brother).

What else.... OH!! I want to host a party this summer. in the next few weeks, actually.
I'm calling it a welcome home party for SB and Emma, but you know.... it's really just because i want to.

I guess... I'm done with blogging tonight.
some stupid-ass show just came on... this needs to stop.

Can I write a blog entry every day this summer??
I'm going to try.

AGH HOLY HELL I need to turn off this show.

I'm so glad I didn't delete this when i stopped using it

Because I could really use a blog right now.
I haven't written on here in SO long. I mean... really.

And I can pretty much guarantee that NOBODY reads it anymore; there hasn't been anything to read.
So I can say anything. Anything I want or feel. I think I can be more honest with this blog than I ever was...

Of course, when I first started writing my blog (in 9th grade. 15 years old. Can you believe it?), it was supposed to be just for me. A place to vent and talk about whatever was on my mind. Which it was, I guess, but let's be honest: there were somethings that went unsaid because, you know, I was 15, and wayy more insecure.

I looked back into the past before starting this post, and re-read approx. 40 of my old entries. I don't know if it's just me being a bad writer (and not being able to fully convey my emotions) or if my life was really so ridiculous back then.
I just can't believe how upset I (apparently) got about the most small, petty things.

SO!!
It is now the summer before my senior year... quite a long way from this blog's humble beginnings when I was but a wee freshman.
I just had my wisdom teeth removed (on Monday), and therefore have had lots of time on my hands.

Stephanie's older sister has started a weight-loss blog, which I was reading earlier today.
It just made me think about how much I enjoyed writing on my blog wayy back in the day, and I just felt like "why don't I do that again?"

Annd here I am.
It is remarkable to me how my voice sounds the same as it did as a freshman. Do you think anybody would recognize the time difference between then and now if not for the dates on everything and the fact that I've mentioned it, like, a million times?
I kind of doubt it.

There seems to be, however, no difference in the way I sound (for lack of a better word) on my blog.

I am, surely, quite different now. If the freshman-version of me could read this... i wonder what she would think... Would she approve of me? be proud?
I'm 17! A senior at UCHS. College scares the hell out of me, still...
I feel more independent than I ever have (confident in social situations that would have made me shy and nervous otherwise), but I still struggle with an unnerving want for someone to depend on.

My friendships have changed dramatically. I still care about the same people, but, you know, it all evolves.
I've become exponentially closer to some friends, while other relationships have dwindled.
Issues that my friends and I deal with have become so much more adult and consequential.
2 of my friends are due to have babies this summer.
That may shock my freshman self more than anything else.
2 babies...

What about guys?
Well... let's say it was both an area of significant growth... and absolute failure this past year.
Ahh... the Friend Zone. A place to where I was banished multiple times.
A place that I have been TRYING to claw my way out of in one case, and a place that I desperately want to settle into in another case.
Blech. we don't need to talk about that, do we?

So... what else?
I guess physical changes?
I'm the same height as I've been for as long as I can remember.
I refuse to weigh myself, because I don't think I've lost any weight (and honestly, I wasn't trying to). People tell me that I appear to have lost weight, but maybe my body finally decided to be a grown-up, and I've just readjusted my fat.
Whatever. I don't care WHY I look the way I do, or even if any body else has noticed.
All I care about is that I feel prettier than I have in a VERY long time.
I know how ridiculous it sounds... I know. but I've ALWAYS struggled with my image. Honestly, I can trace it back to when we moved to Georgia in 2nd grade. I had no friends, and I was angry and resentful. and because of that, i found it IMPOSSIBLE to make any new friends. 2nd grade was a bad year.

OMG. I don't even know what else to write about.

Since I've had my wisdom teeth out, I have played hours of online MahJong and watched old movies. (The Pagemaster with Geoffie, so we could re-live our childhood. good damn movie) I ate some pizza today. from Downtown and they overcooked it, but at least it was REAL food.
Not soup. or pudding. or mashed potatoes. or ice cream. it was solid. and that made me happy.

I Can't Believe How Long It's Been.

My last post is from December 22nd.

Soo much has changed.
Everything has come at me so fast.

I need to register for the SAT next month.
Colleges send me loads of mail, but I can't force myself to look through everything.
I have accounts with EVERY college searching website that I know about, but i almost never log on.
I have a paper for English that I don't even know where to start on.
Our mock trial competition is looming over my head (actually , I should be done worrying about regional by now, but it was postponed)
I need to find a prom dress.
I work double shifts every weekend.
I want to stay active in Beta club.
Finally, I have to juggle everything while making sure all of my relationships (friendly and otherwise) don't fall apart, although I have zero time for the people with whom I am trying to keep relationships.

I didn't mean for this blog to be another one where I freak out about my work load, but alas... here I am again.

I honestly wanted to talk about all the things that are going right, but I guess happiness is being put on the backburner.
At least for the purposes of this blog.

Oh well.
I know nobody reads this anymore.
So it doesn't really matter what I say.

Auf Wiedersehen!
(i ust guessed at that spelling. I wonder how close i am...)