I hope I can live up to this

Next year is already scaring the shit out of me.

Other than the usual pressure (grades, parents, work, high school in general) there will be colleges and a ridiculous schedule and being a good 'leader' in band and now this:
Juggling possibly the most complicated friendship I've ever had and all of my other friendships.

So, there is a huge history with him. For the sake of this blog (and because I feel weird writing about people on a public forum) we'll call him Mr. X.

A Brief Overview
Freshman year: we had Civics together and I couldn't stand him
Sophomore year: we had Phy. Science together, and I thought he was really funny and developed a crush (ugh, of course I did, right?)
Junior year: we started texting a lot, and then talking on the phone A LOT, and I really thought it was going somewhere, but I found out that he was REALLY interested in this other girl, although we had been talking for 4 months. so, yeah, I ended up really hurt, but somehow... we ended up staying friends.
This summer: We still talk pretty often. Mr. X is really worried about having close friends next year, as all of his (except me) have graduated and are going off to college.
Right now:I invited him to go to the movies with me and my friends tonight, hoping that he would be able to easily integrate into the group, and maybe he wouldn't worry so much about next year.

Wellll, when I told the other girls going to the movie (oh, we're going to see Eclips :P), SB seemed ok with it, Steph was... cautious but didn't want to "preach", and Emma seemed downright upset about it. She and Steph don't want me to get hurt like i did when we were talking. but that's not going to happen.
NOWWW Mr. X is concerned that my friends don't like him (which I don't think is the case. they're just looking out for me), and his whole "I wont have any friends next year" thing came up again today.
I told him not to worry, that he would have me
he said that my friends don't like him so we won't see each other that much
I said that I care too much about him for that to happen. (Which is totally true. I would be SO SAD if I never got to talk to him anymore)

But now I'm afraid that I won't be able to live up to that promise I made. I'll still have school, and my job, and band, and being Key Club President, and working with Beta, and worrying about college, and my ridiculous parents, and all of my other friends.

What if I can't be there for him next year??
Should I have not said what I said??

Mirror Mirror, on the walll....

... who is the most exhausted of them all?

Clearly, it's me.

I had a very. long. day.
11:30-2, I worked
2-4, I went with Stephanie to get her hair cut
4-6:30, I worked
6:30-7:30, my boss let me take an extended break because she had to keep me until close rather than 9, when I was schedule to leave. I went to BK during this time to chill with Geoff and Leland
7:30-11:30, work! that's right. We closed at 9:30 tonight, and it took 2 HOURS to finish everything. Of course, I was training Kami, so essentially it was me closing alone, because we could only work at the rate of one worker, as I was with her, showing her waht to do. IDK if that makes sense or not.
Actually, it was SLOWER than if it was just me, because I had to show her how to do everything, and she did a lot of the actual work, with me supervising (i guess), and she isn't fast yet, because she's new.

I just can't believe how long it took. it was ridiculous.
anyway, this is the most exhausted blog I've ever written. I feel so sluggish. and dirty. I'm too tired to take a shower tonight.

tomorrow i have the day off.
THANK GOD!

Title's cause wayy too much pressure.
I can NEVER think of a title., so I always end up just putting something random that happened or is on my mind.

So...
I'm actually just excited to be more than 48% awake while writing for once: I didn't have to close tonight.
Of course, that doesn't mean there is anything to write about. I was still in Zaxby's from 11:30am-10:00pm. I had a break from 2 to 4, during which I sat in the dining room and talked to Nathaniel. That was a random conversation... it was only a little bit awkward. haha

Anyway, I only have one more double shift until my day off. I'M SO EXCITED! I just want to have a day that I can look cute. Is that too much to ask for? At work I have to wear my uniform, and I have to have my hair up, and I get covered in chicken grease and milkshake syrup and dirty dishwater.
I want to stay clean for longer than the 30 minutes it takes to get to town. I want to wear sandals. I want to USE my amazing curly hair stuff. I want to smell like Clinique Happy, and I want to wear my own clothes.
And THAT is why I can't wait for my day off. A few of us are supposed to go see Eclipse on Wednesday night, and maybe (???) spend the night at Sara Beth's.
Then I have all of Thursday off, and then my weekend stretch of work.
Patricia scheduled me to work on the night of the 4th of July, even though I asked for it off.
I have not seen any fireworks since I started there. this will be my 3rd year in a row of missing out on going to Meeks with everyone because of Zaxby's.
IDK what to do. It's ridiculous to try to argue with her about it.

Well it's time to change the subject, because that is just making me sad.
Or maybe it's time to just stop, because I don't know what else to talk about.

Geoffrey cried watching Toy Story 3. that's all

I got whipped cream on my leg today

It looked like spooj.

ANYWAY.
I worked from open till close today.
(9 am till about 11:30, with a 2 hour break).

That was ridiculous.

I'm compltely wiped out, even though I did have a really good day. I worked with Stephanie ALL DAY, and she always keeps me in a good mood. I'm almost never bubbly and hyper at work if she's not there, and she pretty much said that same thing about me.

Anyway, there's not really anything at all for me to say.
Tomorrow and the next day I'm working 11:30-3 and 4-9, then i have wednesday and thursday off.

ps. this is my hundredth post since I started freshman year.

I wish it was more special

My left eye is bloodshot

I need to stop writing my entries right before bed, because I never feel like writing anything.
Well, tonight I'm totally awake, but I NEEED to get some sleep because I have to be at work at 9 in the morning. And I'm working until closing... by myself.

It's going to be a very long day.
9am-tentatively 11:20, with a 2 hour break fro 2 till 4.
but that's still over 1o hours (which is also like 70 bucks).

OMG I can't wait until Wednesday. It's my next day off.

well today I did a double with Stephanie, which is great! And we went and got lunch together during our break.
I love getting to work with my best friend. :) :)

And then Geoff and I went to the late showing of Toy Story 3. It was verrry cute.
We both cried. (mmhmmm. my brother cried. hahaha.)

And now I'm home. I soo hope I can fall asleep quickly tonight.
Tomorrow would be absolutely DREADFUL if I can't get some sleepy-bye.

I wish there was more to say. This blog has become more of an account of my days at work then of my life or a place to write how i feel or any of that BS.

I'm always in a hurry or exhausted when i write, and I apologize.

OH! I'm taking 10 days off work in the middle of July, which I'm pretty pumped about.
the 1st 5 days I'm going to Asheville with my parents and Geoff for Fiat Freakout, and the next 5 days, I'm flying to Florida BY MYSELF (!!! AGH never done that before) to stay with my aunt.

And my cousin is in a band that is supposed to be REALLY good. theyve been called "the raddest band in Florida" by a music video director. I haven't gotten a chance to listen to them yet, but I'm sure it's some form of punk, and I'm sure it's gonna be fun music. anyway the point of that is, that he said I could go to one of their shows while I'm down there (but that was before the dates were set, so I'm not sure if they have one scheduled for while I'm there). but yea, that would be SOOO COOL.
I'd feel very hip. which I am not, usually :P

OMG! Kaitlyn had her baby yesterday. She's a few months premature, so she's being taken to Gainesville (it's cool having the inside track at the hospital: my mo is a nurse).
I got the text fro Kaitlyn ("She's here. 4 pounds 13 ounces") while sitting in my car at relay for life hoping for the rain to stop.
I asked about Amber's (the baby's) health, because I knew she wasn't due until August and then, you know, told Kaitlyn some canned "new baby" stuff (I can't wait to meet her... etc).
I have TOTALLY mixed feelings about it though.
Kaitlyn was my absolute BEST friend in 4th grade. In fact, I can't really remember WHEN we grew apart, we did.
I don't even know if I can express how close we were. I guess it's like most BFFs... I mean, she was at my house when she had her first period...
Now she has a baby... I guess, if she's happy, I'm happy for her, and I'm sure the baby is adorable and will be happy... but I guess I never expected Kaitlyn to get pregnant at 16.
I expected more from her; she's smart.

I'm worried for her future... although I'm EXREMELY proud of her for deciding to stay in school. but what about college? How would that work? I don't want Kaitlyn to be a waitress at the Cookie Jar forever, and she could have had more... is she going to stay there? She needs a steady paycheck coming in now.

I guess I'm disappointed in her.
that sounds soo harsh. I mean, who am I to be disappointed? We haven't been close friends for YEARS.
but... what happens now I guess is what worries me.


(wow. who knew I'd be going THERE with this blog entry?)

this is a waste of time

I am exhausted

I refused to go to sleep to write something on this damn blog, so that I can keep this stupid promise to myself.

But I'm so tired that I don't even want to write about what I did today or anything at all.

sooo.... this is it. sorry to disappoint, but I'm not writing anything more than this right here

GOODNIGHT!

ahhh shit

I didn't write a blog yesterday.

So much for keeping up :(

I COMPLETELY forgot about it until I was almost asleep, at like 2 in the morning and no way in HELL was I gonna get up just so I could not look flakey to the NOBODY that reads this.
(wow, there are lots of randomly capitalized words in there)

So yesterday... what did I do?
Um... crap what DID I do??
OH YEAH!
I had my follow-up appointment with my oral surgeon. It was the fastest appointment ever. He pretty much asked if I had any questions and gave me my squirty syringe thing to clean the food out of the holes in my mouth where I used to have teeth. Isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever heard??
Then I had to work: 4 to close. and I got to train Kami, who just started. Isn't it awesome that when I started my blog, I wrote about my FIRST day (ahh The Zaxby's Chronicles) there, and now I'm training other new people :). That makes me feel very accomplished.

Anyway, I closed by myself again, and it took loner than usual because I didn't get my pre-close done until, like 9:30 (because Kami is new, and I had to do everything myself... oh, that sounds bad. I'm not really complaining about her not doing stuff. She's brand-new, that's just how it goes). So I hadn't even STARTED mopping the dining room yet, and the guys in the back were DONE. and I still had to wrap cookies, wipe all the counters, and stock.
Curtis, one of the guys in the back, stayed late to help me mop the dining room :)
That was really nice of him.

yeah! so then I came home, and talked to Geoff for a little bit while he played Xbox, replied to an e-mail from Rita Gunter about junior board (I have to get off work tomorrow to do the Relay for Life, and it's going to be absolute hell trying to get someone who can cover my shift), and then I read more of The Things They Carried (i'm in chapter 3 now, and it's going really fast), and went to sleep.

I continue to have strange dreams... I thought it was from the Percocet, but I haven't taken any in almost a week. Could it be the penicillin? I'm still taking that to avoid an infection...
last night, there was a lot of ice skating in my dream (which I've never done before) and Richard Tyler and Jesse Gibson were there (?????). then my dream changed and I was like a spy or something. Geoff was killed, and everyone accused me of murdering him. :( I didn't, BTW.

So I guess that's everything.
I have to go into town to try to get off from work tomorrow. I'm REALLY not looking forward to it. Friday nights are usually a busy night, and they need someone experienced to work the drive thru (there are only, like, 3 people that can run drive thru by themselves). Also, I'm scheduled to close... which means that whoever I ask to cover should be able to close.
so that means.... I might not be able to get off work.
I would hate to miss the 1st Junior Board thing we have :(

this G is messed up.

so if there is a word that appears to be missing a G, or if there are 2 when there should be 1, I apologize.

I dont know. Deciding to write a blog entry every day may not have been wise. There's not enough happening in my life. It's summer!
I think my stitches are starting to come out, and it's yucky.

Ok, so yesterday I wrote a blog pretty much just because I was bored and didn't have anything else to do.

I finished reading Freakonomics, and I'm not looking to The Things They Carried at all. I hate war movies, so I'm thinking that I won't like war books either...
Ok! so at like 5 yesterday Jacob called me and we decided to go bowling rather than just getting milkshakes, which was the original plan.

So yeah, we went bowling and I was really bad at it, not that he's particularly good at it. but he definitely won. apparently i can't control my wrist and it just contorts and I end up with a gutterball.
but, like I told Jacob, I'm ok with not being good at bowling. It's like not being good at tennis.
OH!! I bought a tennis racket the other day. I can't remember if I mentioned that yet or not. but yeah, on Sunday, I bought a cheap racket from Walmart so I can play with Stephanie.
I'm gonna see if Leland wants to help me get better...

What else...?
Um, I told Karen that I would work for her tonight. I don't know why I did that. I DON'T WANT TO WORK. Not even a little bit. Ugh. I should have said no. I should have said HELL TO THE NAW. I'm a pushover.

So, 4-close tonight, I'll be at Zaxbys. woo-f**king-hoo. :(

I'll be waiting...

and waiting
and waiting
and waiting
and waiting...

This SUCKS!

Welll, frankly, I haven't been waiting really that long, but I'm starting to get cranky and impatient.

I'm supposed to hang out with Jacob today, but hmmmm... somebody isn't replying to text messages.
:/
I would just go into town anyway, but I don't want to get there and then find out that he CAN'T make it, then I just get to drive home all disappointed.



*********UPDATE**********
We went bowling, which I'm really bad at.

too lazy to think of a title

Well! after my last blog post, I got increasingly more depressed about sitting around by myself, and I ended up forcing Stephanie to spend the night at my house.

So she came over after work and we played Just Dance for wii (which is the funnest game ever created. really.) and we watched the Little Rascals. ADORABLE!

Then this morning we got up for workand drove into town, and GUESS WHAT! they changed the schedule and I wasn't working this morning. Awesome. I'm glad I found that out before I drove the 30 minutes into town.... OH WAIT! I DIDN'T. :( stupid.

Whatever. I took the opportunity to buy my dad's Father's Day card (ahem... on Father's Day) and came home. I watched the very end of a random world cup game, embarrassed myself by sending a text to Jacob that was supposed to go to Leland, and then Stephanie texts me.
She wants to play tennis before we both have to be back at Zaxby's at 4. coool.

So we went to Wal-mart, bought a cheap (pretty sure it's made for small children too) tennis racket and then met Carley at Meeks.

after tennis, we went to work, where we closed. then I came home.
THAT'S MY DAY IN A NUTSHELL.
Nothing eventful happened at all, and I wouldn't have written a blog at all, except I mentioned something about writing an entry every day once, and i don't want to give up THAT quickly. it's been like 3 days.

JOE! it totally freaked me out when I had a comment from you. It's really random that you were on my blog. but I was excited to hear from you anyway. You've been totally MIA this summer :(
I MISS MY SHMO JOE!

OMG! my brother was joking about druk best-man speeches (i don't remember why...) and he was practicing his drunk brother speech for my future wedding (... because that's how my family works. he was pretending to be drunk while I ironed his polo shirts for him. He's so wannabe frat it's ridiculous), oh but that's not the point. he was like "My baby sissster... ( you have to imagine slurring words and him wobling around)... who'd'a ever thought?... JOE MURPHY! i mean.... uh... JOE murphy... i mean, we made fun of this guy soo much 'n da soccer team... who'd thought? JOEMURPHY and my little sister"

Pretty much exactly like that with lots of staggering. haha. I miss you. It reminded me of freshman year when everyone was ALWAYS saying we were going to end up married.
But you know. You're like my little brother. Love you to death, but it's just sick and twisted for someone to suggest that :)

so... I guess that's it.
Goodnight!

terrorrrr

So it's time for today's post, i guess...

basically because there is nothing else in the world. this computer is all i have. haha

I had one of the scariest dreams ever last night. I mean i don't have a lot of nightmares, but the one last night really f**ked with me.

let's just say, first of all, that i've been having weirdo zombie dreams recently... like 3 in the last week. maybe because I've been on medication. Maybe percocet makes me have scary dreams

So last night, i had a zombie dream that I can't really remember the beginning of, but it ended with a grocery store... falling to the ground with a false sense of calm.
I had to kill m entire family in that dream... they were all zombies... even the dogs. I had to slit my dog coco's throat. I can't remember waking up feeling more distraught.

Geoff bit me. He was a zombie, and he was chasing me. when i was distracted by a zombie dog that may or may not have been my other dog, sadie, he bit my shoulder :(

I seriously was on the verge of tears when I woke up. and i was scared. home alone (my parents went to ashville and geoff is at the beach) and i was paralyzed by fear. every little sound in my house made m heart pound.

so of course, being the 21st century girl that i am, i grabbed my cell phone. I texted grayson, because he's always reliable and i told him about my dream and that i was terrified... (I KNOW IT WAS JUST A DREAM, INTERNET COMMUNITY! DON'T JUDGE ME)
Annyway, he pretty much laughed at me, told me to get out of bed, take a shower, and relax. awesome. i told him that if i was in the shower, i wouldnt be able to hear the zombies come to get me and if I was eaten, it was all his fault.

My own shadow literally scared me too. i was walking back into my room (after checking to make sure that the dogs were alive and not evil), and the light from the hall was casting my shadow onto my closet door, which was open and reflected on my mirror. the angle of my closet door and mirror pretty much just made it look like there were TWO shadows right there (someone standing behind me!) and i actualllly screamed and spun around super fast.

then i laughed at myself and took a shower...

so now here i am.
no longer scared, but still just sitting at my house. as i said, by parents and brother aren't home.

I figured that there is no hope in even trying to make plans with my friends today. everybody is working, or gone, or otherwise occupied. soo I'm just going to have to be content with this blog, facebook, and re-runs of Mythbusters and ANTM.

I can't express my excitement right now :P

day 2 of Re-blogging!

I left my house today. :)
I still miss my friends, but at least i got a small friendship fix since having my teeth removed.

Kayla and I went to dinner at Zaxby's where I also saw Stephanie. And Jeffkidd was SUPPOSED to hang out with us too, but he bailed because he is super-lame.

I really wanted to DO something tonight. I said I wanted to get into trouble, but that wasn't a necessity. I wanted to feel like a dumb teenager. I guess just because I haven't been out in, like, almost a week.

A short time ago, a group of my friends and I went skinny-dipping in the lake late at night, something we've always wanted to do, but something I never thought we'd actually go through with.
It was SO FUN. it felt so (cliche) freeing and stuff because we were doing something thatw isn't exactly safe or approved by our parents. We were doing something 'wrong', which, frankly, I never do. I'm such a goody goody. but yeah, after we got out of the water, we were driving over the dam and Freebird came on, and we had all the windows down and the music blaring and I loved the sense of idiotic abandon.

Anywayy, that's relevant because I guess I wanted to feel like that again today. but it didn't happen. I enjoyed spending time with kayla anyway. How could you NOT enjoy spending time with Kayla? we just ate dinner and drove for a while, went to Walmart... nothing big.

I BOUGHT THE LITTLE RASCALS. Because it's one of those movies I loved as a kid, and it was in the 5 dollar bin.
Well, of course I want to watch it, but Geoffie is at the beach, dodging oil slicks.
My dad doesn't like movies (????), my mom isn't home... I hate watching movies alone.
So I asked Leland what HE'S up to, but he's working and going to Atlanta tomorrow so I can't watch it with him (he's like a stand-in big brother).

What else.... OH!! I want to host a party this summer. in the next few weeks, actually.
I'm calling it a welcome home party for SB and Emma, but you know.... it's really just because i want to.

I guess... I'm done with blogging tonight.
some stupid-ass show just came on... this needs to stop.

Can I write a blog entry every day this summer??
I'm going to try.

AGH HOLY HELL I need to turn off this show.

I'm so glad I didn't delete this when i stopped using it

Because I could really use a blog right now.
I haven't written on here in SO long. I mean... really.

And I can pretty much guarantee that NOBODY reads it anymore; there hasn't been anything to read.
So I can say anything. Anything I want or feel. I think I can be more honest with this blog than I ever was...

Of course, when I first started writing my blog (in 9th grade. 15 years old. Can you believe it?), it was supposed to be just for me. A place to vent and talk about whatever was on my mind. Which it was, I guess, but let's be honest: there were somethings that went unsaid because, you know, I was 15, and wayy more insecure.

I looked back into the past before starting this post, and re-read approx. 40 of my old entries. I don't know if it's just me being a bad writer (and not being able to fully convey my emotions) or if my life was really so ridiculous back then.
I just can't believe how upset I (apparently) got about the most small, petty things.

SO!!
It is now the summer before my senior year... quite a long way from this blog's humble beginnings when I was but a wee freshman.
I just had my wisdom teeth removed (on Monday), and therefore have had lots of time on my hands.

Stephanie's older sister has started a weight-loss blog, which I was reading earlier today.
It just made me think about how much I enjoyed writing on my blog wayy back in the day, and I just felt like "why don't I do that again?"

Annd here I am.
It is remarkable to me how my voice sounds the same as it did as a freshman. Do you think anybody would recognize the time difference between then and now if not for the dates on everything and the fact that I've mentioned it, like, a million times?
I kind of doubt it.

There seems to be, however, no difference in the way I sound (for lack of a better word) on my blog.

I am, surely, quite different now. If the freshman-version of me could read this... i wonder what she would think... Would she approve of me? be proud?
I'm 17! A senior at UCHS. College scares the hell out of me, still...
I feel more independent than I ever have (confident in social situations that would have made me shy and nervous otherwise), but I still struggle with an unnerving want for someone to depend on.

My friendships have changed dramatically. I still care about the same people, but, you know, it all evolves.
I've become exponentially closer to some friends, while other relationships have dwindled.
Issues that my friends and I deal with have become so much more adult and consequential.
2 of my friends are due to have babies this summer.
That may shock my freshman self more than anything else.
2 babies...

What about guys?
Well... let's say it was both an area of significant growth... and absolute failure this past year.
Ahh... the Friend Zone. A place to where I was banished multiple times.
A place that I have been TRYING to claw my way out of in one case, and a place that I desperately want to settle into in another case.
Blech. we don't need to talk about that, do we?

So... what else?
I guess physical changes?
I'm the same height as I've been for as long as I can remember.
I refuse to weigh myself, because I don't think I've lost any weight (and honestly, I wasn't trying to). People tell me that I appear to have lost weight, but maybe my body finally decided to be a grown-up, and I've just readjusted my fat.
Whatever. I don't care WHY I look the way I do, or even if any body else has noticed.
All I care about is that I feel prettier than I have in a VERY long time.
I know how ridiculous it sounds... I know. but I've ALWAYS struggled with my image. Honestly, I can trace it back to when we moved to Georgia in 2nd grade. I had no friends, and I was angry and resentful. and because of that, i found it IMPOSSIBLE to make any new friends. 2nd grade was a bad year.

OMG. I don't even know what else to write about.

Since I've had my wisdom teeth out, I have played hours of online MahJong and watched old movies. (The Pagemaster with Geoffie, so we could re-live our childhood. good damn movie) I ate some pizza today. from Downtown and they overcooked it, but at least it was REAL food.
Not soup. or pudding. or mashed potatoes. or ice cream. it was solid. and that made me happy.