Because I could really use a blog right now.
I haven't written on here in SO long. I mean... really.
And I can pretty much guarantee that NOBODY reads it anymore; there hasn't been anything to read.
So I can say anything. Anything I want or feel. I think I can be more honest with this blog than I ever was...
Of course, when I first started writing my blog (in 9th grade. 15 years old. Can you believe it?), it was supposed to be just for me. A place to vent and talk about whatever was on my mind. Which it was, I guess, but let's be honest: there were somethings that went unsaid because, you know, I was 15, and wayy more insecure.
I looked back into the past before starting this post, and re-read approx. 40 of my old entries. I don't know if it's just me being a bad writer (and not being able to fully convey my emotions) or if my life was really so ridiculous back then.
I just can't believe how upset I (apparently) got about the most small, petty things.
SO!!
It is now the summer before my senior year... quite a long way from this blog's humble beginnings when I was but a wee freshman.
I just had my wisdom teeth removed (on Monday), and therefore have had lots of time on my hands.
Stephanie's older sister has started a weight-loss blog, which I was reading earlier today.
It just made me think about how much I enjoyed writing on my blog wayy back in the day, and I just felt like "why don't I do that again?"
Annd here I am.
It is remarkable to me how my voice sounds the same as it did as a freshman. Do you think anybody would recognize the time difference between then and now if not for the dates on everything and the fact that I've mentioned it, like, a million times?
I kind of doubt it.
There seems to be, however, no difference in the way I sound (for lack of a better word) on my blog.
I am, surely, quite different now. If the freshman-version of me could read this... i wonder what she would think... Would she approve of me? be proud?
I'm 17! A senior at UCHS. College scares the hell out of me, still...
I feel more independent than I ever have (confident in social situations that would have made me shy and nervous otherwise), but I still struggle with an unnerving want for someone to depend on.
My friendships have changed dramatically. I still care about the same people, but, you know, it all evolves.
I've become exponentially closer to some friends, while other relationships have dwindled.
Issues that my friends and I deal with have become so much more adult and consequential.
2 of my friends are due to have babies this summer.
That may shock my freshman self more than anything else.
2 babies...
What about guys?
Well... let's say it was both an area of significant growth... and absolute failure this past year.
Ahh... the Friend Zone. A place to where I was banished multiple times.
A place that I have been TRYING to claw my way out of in one case, and a place that I desperately want to settle into in another case.
Blech. we don't need to talk about that, do we?
So... what else?
I guess physical changes?
I'm the same height as I've been for as long as I can remember.
I refuse to weigh myself, because I don't think I've lost any weight (and honestly, I wasn't trying to). People tell me that I appear to have lost weight, but maybe my body finally decided to be a grown-up, and I've just readjusted my fat.
Whatever. I don't care WHY I look the way I do, or even if any body else has noticed.
All I care about is that I feel prettier than I have in a VERY long time.
I know how ridiculous it sounds... I know. but I've ALWAYS struggled with my image. Honestly, I can trace it back to when we moved to Georgia in 2nd grade. I had no friends, and I was angry and resentful. and because of that, i found it IMPOSSIBLE to make any new friends. 2nd grade was a bad year.
OMG. I don't even know what else to write about.
Since I've had my wisdom teeth out, I have played hours of online MahJong and watched old movies. (The Pagemaster with Geoffie, so we could re-live our childhood. good damn movie) I ate some pizza today. from Downtown and they overcooked it, but at least it was REAL food.
Not soup. or pudding. or mashed potatoes. or ice cream. it was solid. and that made me happy.
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