This evening's motto

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it"
-Mary Wilson Little

I AGREE, Mary Wilson Little.
So with that, I say GOODNIGHT WORLD!

I am a misshapen puzzle piece

I don't feel like I'm really fulfilling anything right now.

I'm... just average. I want to feel like I'm excelling in ALL of my classes. I want praise. I want to know that people like to be with me. I want to know that I'm great at my job. I guess maybe I just want recognition.

Because, right now, I just feel like I don't quite fit into any of my many roles this year. I'm participating. I'm keeping up. but i want to go above and beyond.

But I can't. being average has taken all of my time. All of my energy. Being average is holding me back. I do what I can, and I pass out on my bed just to wake up super early the next morning and strive to just do ok again. WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE IT ALL?

Why don't I just have beautiful camera angles in Multimedia? Why don't I fully understand how to find logos? Why can't I remember everything we've covered about limits? Why don't I already know all that I can about vectors? Why haven't I already aced my 1st psych test? Why don't people always laugh at my jokes? why don't i always look pretty? Why am I using so many rhetorical questions??

It must stop. I need to sleep. but i ALWAYS need to sleep. I really need to read about vectors. maybe i'll do that.
but... as i type, i have to actuallly think about holding my eyes open.
That's not a good sign.

the art of timing

Timing. Or even just Time. Let's start with that.



It doesn't really exist does it? I mean, man just came up with time to measure days and then that was gradually broken down... and expanded. All due to that disk's trip from horizon to horizon.



So how is it possible that the logisitics of something that doesn't even exist have left me alone and pretty much screwed for all future realtionships?

TIMING.



And it all begins..... freshman year. Let's take a trip.

Freshman year. Band camp. I was scared, I was unattractive, I was under a lot of pressure, and I was in love.

Or, you know, so I thought.

I thought he was the cutest thing to walk this Earth. And smart and funny, and dedicated, and cute!

My crush peaked in Chicago, and slowly faded again into a being that lived in my brain and occassionally pushed all of my other thoughts out of my ears.

Sophomore year. I was clueless, but I thought I knew what I was capable of. The crush-creature hibernates.

LAST YEAR. After a series of events, the crush-monster in my brain re-awakens.

I remind myself of how cute, and smart, and blahblahblah he is. His... unconventional sense of humor makes him that much more desirable to me.

So far, it seems to be an issue of unrequited love (for lack of a better word) rather than timing, don't you think?

Ohhh no. We spend some time together. We go out to eat. We are inseparable in DC. We can actually be referred to as 'we'... but I still am absolutely in the dark about what HE thinks about ME, which really is a critical point.

Summer. We hang out a few times. He hides his feeling frustratingly well.

I give up on the (Lovegames. play a lovegame. do you want love? or you want fame?) confusion.

NOW. Is it just me, or is he interested now?



NOW that I've moved on.

NOW that I've killed the crush-monster.

NOW he flirts.

NOW he asks my plans for the weekend.









NOW I hate timing.

GO WATCH THIS!

Krieg, it should be in The Book of General Ignorance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFyY2mK8pxk

thanks mom

I get to see you about once a week.

I wasn't expecting to get to spend any time with you today, but SURPRISE I was called off work for my morning shift today. During my new-found spare time, you've been home for about 15 minutes so far. and now you're on the phone gossiping about your co-workers.

Thanks a lot.

:/

...

I really don't have anything in mind to talk about.
Really.
I feel like I need to write though.

I guess I could be doing this with my essay revision, but.... um no.

I really am just ready to get into the meat of my classes.
We had our first taste of the actual calculus curriculum today: Limits. LOVE IT! Limits are eeeasssyy. What else you got calculus?
And in Physics we're still going over basics so he can 'see where we are'.
Economics, we've done some vocab. and that's all.
Psychology: we won't be done with our 'foundations' unit until like, the first week of September.
English: well I guess we started out in the middle of everything with English, but I still feel like there's so much "this is what this class will be like" stuff. I just want to get there!!
Band is band. practice today was awful. I cried.
Multimedia: I THINK we are going to start working with the equipment tomorrow. I'd like to break into our groups, talk about ideas for videos. make a story board. something!

I feel.... restless, I guess that's the word for it. I want to get into everything! To learn new things. (In Psych, I've had to learn the definitions for independent and dependent variables, mean, median, and mode for the 5th or 6th time)

I guess. I'm just entirely unsatisfied with the state of my life right now.

It's raining and I'm sick

Today was not great. I literally never stop on A days. It's academic all day:
- calculus
- physics
- economics
- phsychology

And I somehow got a cold... in august. And I was supposed to go with my mom to buy a cute Vera Bradley bag for my laptop, but the place was closed. And I invited Stephanie to come too, but she already has plans with her stupid ass stalker :P.

So, of course, today just sucks. I'm sitting at home right now. waiting until I can leave for practice (in the rain), continually wiping my nose, sucking on a coughdrop, watching Made (which I don't even really like!)

I just want to go to sleep. But if I do, I'll wake up and have Calculus first thing in the morning.
So, I could say: I just want the weekend. But the weekend means double shifts at Zaxby's.
I KNOW there's a lot on my plate. I guess I just have to get used to this grueling schedule, and it's going to take me a while.
oh snap! do i have an essay revision due tomorrow too?!

Ugh. a day in the life.

I should do yoga

WARNING!!! Krieger, you should not read the following blog. DO NOT! This is not a drill.

Anyway, I should do yoga because I really feel like I wish I could center myself and focus. and isn't yoga supposed to help with that? I think so... but maybe not. If not, it would just give me a kickass yoga body, and that's cool too.

Why do I feel the need to focus? Well tomorrow is the first day of school and I have 3 paragraphs due tomorrow.
(Krieger, if you have ignored my warning and read this far, it's time to stop)

I haven't written anything yet. It's 1:30 in the afternoon, the day before the first day of senior year, and I haven't written the 1st sentence.
I just did some very fast time calculations, and I have time to do it, but I don't feel like I can focus.
I know this blog seems counterproductive. Like why am I doing this instead of breaking out my novels and notebook paper? because I want to get in a writing state of mind.
I opened my Pandora account and turned on the station that I call "Focus radio" it's classical, so it's not distracting, but it also blocks out the noise of my family in the house. I guess I'll turn off my cell phone, or hide it in another room, lock myself in here, log out of Facebook, and turn into a hermetic author until I have to leave for band practice. In an hour.
So here I go.

(Krieger, you better not have read this, missy)

Quote that Caught My Eye!

"What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?"
-Jeph Jacques

hahaha. That's really good. Like possible senior quote good.

that's all

busy busy busy

I have had literally NO free time this past week, and it's not looking good for the future.
(the near future. like the coming school year).

Band camp this past week and the freshmen drove me NUTS! We have 3 in the flute section, and they're nice enough, but they're IDK FRESHMEN!!
I managed to stay extremely nice and patient though the whole week, but by the last day I snapped at a girl once. (pretty good for me actually, considering I've been wanting to rip my hair out since day 2)
She kept talking to the tubas, and doing weird (trying to be) flirty crap (with TUBAS?) which was annoying enough in itself, but when she did it while I was trying to give her instruction it realllly got under my skin. I was in the middle of telling her something (i dont remember exactly what. it's not the point), and she said something to Jesse and I go "Kaila! Please don't flirt with the tubas when I'm trying to tell you something!" and she goes "Eww" like she is so disgusted by them. Whatever. If you were disgusted by them, you wouldn't be talking to them every chance you get.

So the next few days:
tomorrow: double shift at work
monday: English with Stephanie, then practice from 3:30-5:30
tuesday: pictures at 4, practice from 6-8
wednesday: SHOPPING
thursday: practice from 3:30-5:30 againg
friday: first day of school

AHHH shit. I hate being so busy. I can't WAIT until the end of football season.