yay for me!

I made 100 on my transcedentalism paper for Mrs. Batchelor.

That makes me feel awesome... I've never made 100 on a batch paper before (though, let's face it, I've been close. haha)

Anyway, I'm glad that THIS is the paper that I did really well on: it was very personal. Really. Joe, I don't know if you even read my blog enymore, but if you do, I really didn't want you to read my paper, I wasn't just being weird.

This paper makes me want to cry every time I read it.

I wonder if Batch cried. I doubt, it but that would be absolutely phenomenal.

Ha. I love making people cry.
:)

That's all for now. You can hold your applause. I know that I'm amazing.

Motivation

I really really want to be one of those people who is motivated by letdowns.
Like if I make a bad grade on a paper, that it would make me try that much harder to prove that I CAN do it.

Unfortuantely, i am not wired that way.
As cocky as it sounds, there are just some things that I am not used to failing at, and when I do perform badly, i never EVER want to revisit that particular task. I want to give up, just turn my back on it, and focus on somehting that I CAN do.

So, some things that I'm bad at and that I gave up on:
- gymnastics
- college admissions essays
- Jacob's little hackysack rhythm game thing that he tried to teach me in BDA
- throwing a frisbee (although i eventually had an epiphany to try it with my left hand)
- running a long distance (or a short distance. haha.)
- probably a million other things that I can't think of right now.

So what does motivate me??
Competition, I know for sure.
Anything that I've tried really hard at, I can trace back to competiton.
I hate being second best, especially considering that i have been indoctrinated from a very young age that "Second place is just the first loser".
Seing that now, I am eerily reminded of the popular Ricky Bobby idea that "if ya ain't first, you're last" which is even identified as a twisted belief in the movie.

But what else?

What am I willing to work for?

I don't know.

I DO know that Christmas break can't come soon enough.
(honestly, that stems from my 'giving up' thing too; I'm not rocking school as much as i usually do so I want to stop... at least for a while)

GAHH!! WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER ME??

I wish I knew. It would make everything so much easier.
:/

So it looks like I'm never going to slow down

First of all, OMG! I can't believe how long it has been since I've written on here.

Anyway, as of yesterday, it looks like I will never ever get a chance to relax again.

Why is that?

Batchelor's class.
It's not like she's asking too much (REALLY! not sarcastic). however, it seems to me that she has forgotten that we have 7 other classes to do work for. And most of us have jobs, and we participate in various clubs and other actividades extracuriculares around the school.

Honestly, if all I had to devote my time to was her assignments, it would be a cake walk.

And I KNOW that it's obviously not supposed to easy. It's an Honors course for a reason.
I can handle hard assignments. Where I struggle is when we have OVERLAPPING (!!!) hard assignments. we have two essays revisions, a mini research project-type thing, and new book to read, and these have all been assigned within the last, like, 4 class periods.

She always says that she gives us assignments in advance so that we don't have to do anything at the last minute. FYI: 4 days is not that far in advance, AND I have to do things at the last minute because it is my ONLY spare minute.

I have assignments due for other classes, I work all weekend and somewhere in there, I have to try to have a social life.

I'm still a teenager! I don't want to spend all of my time locked away behind a computer screen typing power verbs and practicing for the SAT.
But I have been ASSURED that these are the steps that must be taken to have a successful life. so, I will soldier on.

Begrudgingly. :/

Things have changed for me...

and that's ok! (Panic! At the Disco)

Anyway, I haven't been on here for soo long.
And I'm neglecting my faithful readers! (Ya know. Nobody)

So yeah, I looked back at some of my old posts, and everything is sooo different!
Looking back, a lot of my latest posts have been really kind of sad. I complained about not being able to be happy, and about being totally stressed, and all this other crap.

I'm here to say that that is definitely not the case anymore.

I'm definitely happy. For sure.

But that brings me to hwat I actually wanted to write about.
I have a friend (and I'm really not going to use names here) who has cut herself. She also has told me that being sad makes her feel alive.
That idea is just completely mind-bending to me.
Why would you not feel alive if you're happy?
Why would you not feel alive if you're angry?
How can you ever feel dead??
Obviously, you are alive. The sensation (wrong word, but close enough) of that should never ever change?
Should it?

Is feeling 'alive' relative?

I can't even wrap my head around this. Like how you would feel un-alive (?).

I guess I probably shouldn't be writing about it considering that I have NO IDEA what I'm talking about.

Oh well.

I'll just let this marinate for a while.

Peace!

Today supremely stunk

I love when people tell me that they love it when I'm not around.

That's definitely what I needed today.

Oh, and when I got home, I got on Delias to order the adorable trench coat that I've wanted for a couple weeks now, and it was on clearance for 35 dollars when it was originally 74 something and I was soo excited... and.
they don't have it in my size.

I seriously want to cry.

I have a lot to say

So let's get started.

So, this year... how to describe it?

So far... I have been overwhelmed and frustrated almost to the verge of tears.
I am exhausted everyday, but I feel like I'm not getting anything done.
And my patience has been shortened a lot. I find myself making more and more sarcastic/rude comments to or about people. i don't want to be seen as a bitch, but I have no patience for stupid people, and like right now: I know I shouldn't say that, and saying that I don't have patience for stupid people doesnt exactly refelct how I really feel, but I'm too tired to think of a better way to phrase that. Oh well. (PS, I really want to say that everyone can suck it. SEE? I know thats wrong. Why do I keep saying things like that? I don't want people to associate me with meanness. Being labeled like that makes me wanna cry.
I also dont want to be known as the smart girl. There is so much more to a person than that.
Like, Lisa did this thing on her facebook that is a picture, with a bunch of different things on it like "The person I always have fun with" "The sweetest person I know" "The person I can't live without" blahblahblah and you tag your friends on which one they apply to. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Anyway, guess what I got.
Did you guess?
I got "The smartest person I know"
That really makes me want to cry. Like, am I not appreciated for anything else? Am I just the smart girl?


Also, my social life is suffering from being so tired from school and practice. Tonight's Friday night, but I don't want to go out. I want to relax for once.

HEY!! Super announcement.
This is what I've decided.
Sophomores are waayyy worse than freshmen.
Freshmen are still kinda scared and they know their place... if that makes sense.
Sophomores think that since they've been in high school for 1 year, that they have license to be jackasses.
YOU DON'T!!
SOPHOMORES ARE STILL UNDERCLASSMEN!!!

I have more to say, and I really dont want this to be all about how I'm always tired, but I guess thats enough for now.

There's more.... but it can wait.

I'm having trouble...

...expressing myself.

Like, I can't say whatever I want to say, which is partly why I havent written any new blogs any a while.

I just can't get my thoughts into words.

I'm thinking that if this persists, I'm gonna go Shakespeare on the world's ass and start making up words that apply to the events in my life.