terrorrrr

So it's time for today's post, i guess...

basically because there is nothing else in the world. this computer is all i have. haha

I had one of the scariest dreams ever last night. I mean i don't have a lot of nightmares, but the one last night really f**ked with me.

let's just say, first of all, that i've been having weirdo zombie dreams recently... like 3 in the last week. maybe because I've been on medication. Maybe percocet makes me have scary dreams

So last night, i had a zombie dream that I can't really remember the beginning of, but it ended with a grocery store... falling to the ground with a false sense of calm.
I had to kill m entire family in that dream... they were all zombies... even the dogs. I had to slit my dog coco's throat. I can't remember waking up feeling more distraught.

Geoff bit me. He was a zombie, and he was chasing me. when i was distracted by a zombie dog that may or may not have been my other dog, sadie, he bit my shoulder :(

I seriously was on the verge of tears when I woke up. and i was scared. home alone (my parents went to ashville and geoff is at the beach) and i was paralyzed by fear. every little sound in my house made m heart pound.

so of course, being the 21st century girl that i am, i grabbed my cell phone. I texted grayson, because he's always reliable and i told him about my dream and that i was terrified... (I KNOW IT WAS JUST A DREAM, INTERNET COMMUNITY! DON'T JUDGE ME)
Annyway, he pretty much laughed at me, told me to get out of bed, take a shower, and relax. awesome. i told him that if i was in the shower, i wouldnt be able to hear the zombies come to get me and if I was eaten, it was all his fault.

My own shadow literally scared me too. i was walking back into my room (after checking to make sure that the dogs were alive and not evil), and the light from the hall was casting my shadow onto my closet door, which was open and reflected on my mirror. the angle of my closet door and mirror pretty much just made it look like there were TWO shadows right there (someone standing behind me!) and i actualllly screamed and spun around super fast.

then i laughed at myself and took a shower...

so now here i am.
no longer scared, but still just sitting at my house. as i said, by parents and brother aren't home.

I figured that there is no hope in even trying to make plans with my friends today. everybody is working, or gone, or otherwise occupied. soo I'm just going to have to be content with this blog, facebook, and re-runs of Mythbusters and ANTM.

I can't express my excitement right now :P

day 2 of Re-blogging!

I left my house today. :)
I still miss my friends, but at least i got a small friendship fix since having my teeth removed.

Kayla and I went to dinner at Zaxby's where I also saw Stephanie. And Jeffkidd was SUPPOSED to hang out with us too, but he bailed because he is super-lame.

I really wanted to DO something tonight. I said I wanted to get into trouble, but that wasn't a necessity. I wanted to feel like a dumb teenager. I guess just because I haven't been out in, like, almost a week.

A short time ago, a group of my friends and I went skinny-dipping in the lake late at night, something we've always wanted to do, but something I never thought we'd actually go through with.
It was SO FUN. it felt so (cliche) freeing and stuff because we were doing something thatw isn't exactly safe or approved by our parents. We were doing something 'wrong', which, frankly, I never do. I'm such a goody goody. but yeah, after we got out of the water, we were driving over the dam and Freebird came on, and we had all the windows down and the music blaring and I loved the sense of idiotic abandon.

Anywayy, that's relevant because I guess I wanted to feel like that again today. but it didn't happen. I enjoyed spending time with kayla anyway. How could you NOT enjoy spending time with Kayla? we just ate dinner and drove for a while, went to Walmart... nothing big.

I BOUGHT THE LITTLE RASCALS. Because it's one of those movies I loved as a kid, and it was in the 5 dollar bin.
Well, of course I want to watch it, but Geoffie is at the beach, dodging oil slicks.
My dad doesn't like movies (????), my mom isn't home... I hate watching movies alone.
So I asked Leland what HE'S up to, but he's working and going to Atlanta tomorrow so I can't watch it with him (he's like a stand-in big brother).

What else.... OH!! I want to host a party this summer. in the next few weeks, actually.
I'm calling it a welcome home party for SB and Emma, but you know.... it's really just because i want to.

I guess... I'm done with blogging tonight.
some stupid-ass show just came on... this needs to stop.

Can I write a blog entry every day this summer??
I'm going to try.

AGH HOLY HELL I need to turn off this show.

I'm so glad I didn't delete this when i stopped using it

Because I could really use a blog right now.
I haven't written on here in SO long. I mean... really.

And I can pretty much guarantee that NOBODY reads it anymore; there hasn't been anything to read.
So I can say anything. Anything I want or feel. I think I can be more honest with this blog than I ever was...

Of course, when I first started writing my blog (in 9th grade. 15 years old. Can you believe it?), it was supposed to be just for me. A place to vent and talk about whatever was on my mind. Which it was, I guess, but let's be honest: there were somethings that went unsaid because, you know, I was 15, and wayy more insecure.

I looked back into the past before starting this post, and re-read approx. 40 of my old entries. I don't know if it's just me being a bad writer (and not being able to fully convey my emotions) or if my life was really so ridiculous back then.
I just can't believe how upset I (apparently) got about the most small, petty things.

SO!!
It is now the summer before my senior year... quite a long way from this blog's humble beginnings when I was but a wee freshman.
I just had my wisdom teeth removed (on Monday), and therefore have had lots of time on my hands.

Stephanie's older sister has started a weight-loss blog, which I was reading earlier today.
It just made me think about how much I enjoyed writing on my blog wayy back in the day, and I just felt like "why don't I do that again?"

Annd here I am.
It is remarkable to me how my voice sounds the same as it did as a freshman. Do you think anybody would recognize the time difference between then and now if not for the dates on everything and the fact that I've mentioned it, like, a million times?
I kind of doubt it.

There seems to be, however, no difference in the way I sound (for lack of a better word) on my blog.

I am, surely, quite different now. If the freshman-version of me could read this... i wonder what she would think... Would she approve of me? be proud?
I'm 17! A senior at UCHS. College scares the hell out of me, still...
I feel more independent than I ever have (confident in social situations that would have made me shy and nervous otherwise), but I still struggle with an unnerving want for someone to depend on.

My friendships have changed dramatically. I still care about the same people, but, you know, it all evolves.
I've become exponentially closer to some friends, while other relationships have dwindled.
Issues that my friends and I deal with have become so much more adult and consequential.
2 of my friends are due to have babies this summer.
That may shock my freshman self more than anything else.
2 babies...

What about guys?
Well... let's say it was both an area of significant growth... and absolute failure this past year.
Ahh... the Friend Zone. A place to where I was banished multiple times.
A place that I have been TRYING to claw my way out of in one case, and a place that I desperately want to settle into in another case.
Blech. we don't need to talk about that, do we?

So... what else?
I guess physical changes?
I'm the same height as I've been for as long as I can remember.
I refuse to weigh myself, because I don't think I've lost any weight (and honestly, I wasn't trying to). People tell me that I appear to have lost weight, but maybe my body finally decided to be a grown-up, and I've just readjusted my fat.
Whatever. I don't care WHY I look the way I do, or even if any body else has noticed.
All I care about is that I feel prettier than I have in a VERY long time.
I know how ridiculous it sounds... I know. but I've ALWAYS struggled with my image. Honestly, I can trace it back to when we moved to Georgia in 2nd grade. I had no friends, and I was angry and resentful. and because of that, i found it IMPOSSIBLE to make any new friends. 2nd grade was a bad year.

OMG. I don't even know what else to write about.

Since I've had my wisdom teeth out, I have played hours of online MahJong and watched old movies. (The Pagemaster with Geoffie, so we could re-live our childhood. good damn movie) I ate some pizza today. from Downtown and they overcooked it, but at least it was REAL food.
Not soup. or pudding. or mashed potatoes. or ice cream. it was solid. and that made me happy.

I Can't Believe How Long It's Been.

My last post is from December 22nd.

Soo much has changed.
Everything has come at me so fast.

I need to register for the SAT next month.
Colleges send me loads of mail, but I can't force myself to look through everything.
I have accounts with EVERY college searching website that I know about, but i almost never log on.
I have a paper for English that I don't even know where to start on.
Our mock trial competition is looming over my head (actually , I should be done worrying about regional by now, but it was postponed)
I need to find a prom dress.
I work double shifts every weekend.
I want to stay active in Beta club.
Finally, I have to juggle everything while making sure all of my relationships (friendly and otherwise) don't fall apart, although I have zero time for the people with whom I am trying to keep relationships.

I didn't mean for this blog to be another one where I freak out about my work load, but alas... here I am again.

I honestly wanted to talk about all the things that are going right, but I guess happiness is being put on the backburner.
At least for the purposes of this blog.

Oh well.
I know nobody reads this anymore.
So it doesn't really matter what I say.

Auf Wiedersehen!
(i ust guessed at that spelling. I wonder how close i am...)

Christmas!!!

It's only 2 days away now!
I just finished wrapping all of my presents (which I bought shortly before that. haha. Could I have procrastinated a little more?).

I spent $157.57 at Wal-Mart today, on 9 gifts, 3 of which double as birthday presents, too.
So, I'm counting them twice which makes my average spent per gift $13.15. Not too shabby.

However, that isn't counting the money I have to give my brother to make up my half of our mom's present... I think that's like $40, which gives me a grand Christmas total of almost $200.

OMG!! That's like 27 hours of work. Everybody better appreciate this big time.

I already told my mom that if anybody wasn't EXTREMELY excited when they opened their present, that I would take it back, because I didn't buy 1 thing that I wouldn't mind having myself.

Anyway, this is the first year I've ever bought ALL of my presents by myself (I wrapped them all myself too).

haha, I'm so grown up.

I would say that this is shaping up to be a great Christmas break, but I was grounded on Friday after school. I didn't even get to the official start of the break. :(
It's all Jeffkidd's fault. Oh well.

I'm bored with this now, and I'm pretty sure nobody even reads my blog anymore.

But if you do: HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

yay for me!

I made 100 on my transcedentalism paper for Mrs. Batchelor.

That makes me feel awesome... I've never made 100 on a batch paper before (though, let's face it, I've been close. haha)

Anyway, I'm glad that THIS is the paper that I did really well on: it was very personal. Really. Joe, I don't know if you even read my blog enymore, but if you do, I really didn't want you to read my paper, I wasn't just being weird.

This paper makes me want to cry every time I read it.

I wonder if Batch cried. I doubt, it but that would be absolutely phenomenal.

Ha. I love making people cry.
:)

That's all for now. You can hold your applause. I know that I'm amazing.

Motivation

I really really want to be one of those people who is motivated by letdowns.
Like if I make a bad grade on a paper, that it would make me try that much harder to prove that I CAN do it.

Unfortuantely, i am not wired that way.
As cocky as it sounds, there are just some things that I am not used to failing at, and when I do perform badly, i never EVER want to revisit that particular task. I want to give up, just turn my back on it, and focus on somehting that I CAN do.

So, some things that I'm bad at and that I gave up on:
- gymnastics
- college admissions essays
- Jacob's little hackysack rhythm game thing that he tried to teach me in BDA
- throwing a frisbee (although i eventually had an epiphany to try it with my left hand)
- running a long distance (or a short distance. haha.)
- probably a million other things that I can't think of right now.

So what does motivate me??
Competition, I know for sure.
Anything that I've tried really hard at, I can trace back to competiton.
I hate being second best, especially considering that i have been indoctrinated from a very young age that "Second place is just the first loser".
Seing that now, I am eerily reminded of the popular Ricky Bobby idea that "if ya ain't first, you're last" which is even identified as a twisted belief in the movie.

But what else?

What am I willing to work for?

I don't know.

I DO know that Christmas break can't come soon enough.
(honestly, that stems from my 'giving up' thing too; I'm not rocking school as much as i usually do so I want to stop... at least for a while)

GAHH!! WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER ME??

I wish I knew. It would make everything so much easier.
:/