distractions

so I could have worked on my calculus after school, before practice.... but it's pay day
-stephanie and i got our checks and went to cash them, then got dinner
I had some time to kill after we ate.... but I felt the need to spend $40 on make up and crap
-We went to CVS until time for practice
After practice, I had to bring Stephanie back to her car at Zaxby's.... we discovered a physics party
-I sat with the physics kids for about 30 mins and drove home
I could have done homework immediately when I got home.... there was apple crisp in the kitchen
-I ate apple crisp and watched the end of Law and Order: SVU
I could have done homework after that.... but my backpack is falling apart
-dad and I put it together with zip ties (yay for rednecking it up)
then I went to my room, presumably to start my Calc.... but I remembered the new makeup
-I used a little of everything, just to try it out
I should have started after that, but I wanted to check my Psych grade
-I pulled out my laptop and immediately got on Facebook

NOW IT IS ALMOST 10 O'CLOCK AND I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET!

words to live by

"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and having one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult."
-E.B. White

energizer bunny

I just keep going and going and going and going and going....

I know that I asked for this work load. I know that I wanted this schedule. I know that I chose to be involved in these activities.

I didn't know that all the forces in the universe would work against me to keep me from getting anything done.

I didn't know that sleep wouldn't even be an option anymore.

I didn't know that I would have to cut off relationships with friends for a lack of time to see them.

I just want to relax.- nothing on my mind- for a little while.

hmph!

Who decided that 24 hours was enough in a day?
It's time for me to find a time machine and kick some Ancient-we-only-have-to-farm-so-24-hours-seems-like-plenty-of-time-for-us ASS! It's not enough! There is so much to do!

This is my brain right now:
homework.KEYCLUB.calculustest.MEETING.juniorboard.college.SAT.keyclubmeeting. physicsnotes.pyschology.schedule.bandpractice.keyclubmeeting.calculus.college.president.physics. homework.keyclub.early.schedule.study.test.sleep.calculus.physics?juniorboard.keyclub.SAT.band.

Yeah. almost exactly like that. I can't focus, and I can't prioritze.

I can't FUNCTION.

This evening's motto

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it"
-Mary Wilson Little

I AGREE, Mary Wilson Little.
So with that, I say GOODNIGHT WORLD!

I am a misshapen puzzle piece

I don't feel like I'm really fulfilling anything right now.

I'm... just average. I want to feel like I'm excelling in ALL of my classes. I want praise. I want to know that people like to be with me. I want to know that I'm great at my job. I guess maybe I just want recognition.

Because, right now, I just feel like I don't quite fit into any of my many roles this year. I'm participating. I'm keeping up. but i want to go above and beyond.

But I can't. being average has taken all of my time. All of my energy. Being average is holding me back. I do what I can, and I pass out on my bed just to wake up super early the next morning and strive to just do ok again. WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE IT ALL?

Why don't I just have beautiful camera angles in Multimedia? Why don't I fully understand how to find logos? Why can't I remember everything we've covered about limits? Why don't I already know all that I can about vectors? Why haven't I already aced my 1st psych test? Why don't people always laugh at my jokes? why don't i always look pretty? Why am I using so many rhetorical questions??

It must stop. I need to sleep. but i ALWAYS need to sleep. I really need to read about vectors. maybe i'll do that.
but... as i type, i have to actuallly think about holding my eyes open.
That's not a good sign.

the art of timing

Timing. Or even just Time. Let's start with that.



It doesn't really exist does it? I mean, man just came up with time to measure days and then that was gradually broken down... and expanded. All due to that disk's trip from horizon to horizon.



So how is it possible that the logisitics of something that doesn't even exist have left me alone and pretty much screwed for all future realtionships?

TIMING.



And it all begins..... freshman year. Let's take a trip.

Freshman year. Band camp. I was scared, I was unattractive, I was under a lot of pressure, and I was in love.

Or, you know, so I thought.

I thought he was the cutest thing to walk this Earth. And smart and funny, and dedicated, and cute!

My crush peaked in Chicago, and slowly faded again into a being that lived in my brain and occassionally pushed all of my other thoughts out of my ears.

Sophomore year. I was clueless, but I thought I knew what I was capable of. The crush-creature hibernates.

LAST YEAR. After a series of events, the crush-monster in my brain re-awakens.

I remind myself of how cute, and smart, and blahblahblah he is. His... unconventional sense of humor makes him that much more desirable to me.

So far, it seems to be an issue of unrequited love (for lack of a better word) rather than timing, don't you think?

Ohhh no. We spend some time together. We go out to eat. We are inseparable in DC. We can actually be referred to as 'we'... but I still am absolutely in the dark about what HE thinks about ME, which really is a critical point.

Summer. We hang out a few times. He hides his feeling frustratingly well.

I give up on the (Lovegames. play a lovegame. do you want love? or you want fame?) confusion.

NOW. Is it just me, or is he interested now?



NOW that I've moved on.

NOW that I've killed the crush-monster.

NOW he flirts.

NOW he asks my plans for the weekend.









NOW I hate timing.